Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
