you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
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