Hey man sorry I got all grabby
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
