I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
