remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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