I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize