and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize
