Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
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