awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize
