Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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