Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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