when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
