I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
