My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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