I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Randomize
