why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Randomize
