I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
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