This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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