The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
