6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Randomize
