You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Randomize
