he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Randomize
