I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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