I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
