he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize