she smelled like a LAN party
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
