How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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