I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Randomize
