I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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