i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Sorry my hands just texted you
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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