he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize