Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
