it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Such a big mess for such a small penis
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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