I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
