so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
We need a shit load of segways right now
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Randomize
