No stitches, just platelets and will power
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Randomize
