I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
