note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize
