bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
