Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Randomize
