woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
