i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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