i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
you didnt know i had herpes?
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
