I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
