You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
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