I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
