you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
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