The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
