i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
Oh well. haha. i couldn't really understand what she was saying. i just nodded a lot. i guesss she found that sexy.
gotta love spring break
gotta love slutty girls from the south
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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