Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
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