A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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