my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
My life is pants optional.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
