I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Ladies don't puke and tell
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
