my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
Randomize