a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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