Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize