i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Randomize
