Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Randomize
